singingchicky

The next morning, I felt a little better than I had in a few days. Well, except for my back hurting a bit… but that’s what you get for falling asleep on a bus couch. The bus had stopped again, which was one of the reasons I had woken up. When I looked at my phone, I had a new text message. Wondering what the hell, I opened it and read these simple words:

                                                Come to the bus as soon as you get this.

Hurrying to brush my hair and wipe away any traces of crappy makeup, then change. Now, changing on a bus was not an easy task by any means. So I made due, just changing my shirt to my Panic band tee.

            “What’s the rush?” Odessa said, coming from the back with her hair a bit messy.

            “Can’t talk, gotta go bye.” I said quickly. I already had my hand on the handle and was about to leave.  I walked slowly (to keep my cool really) to the Panic bus, but in my attempt to be smooth as I knocked on the door, I slipped and fell before I could get there. I hadn’t realized that it was really wet due to the rain from earlier that morning. I had hit my head fairly hard, along with my hands.

            “Fuck!” I yelped before bursting out in laughter. It only took a few seconds for Brendon to come out off the bus to help me up. I smiled up at him. “Hey gorgeous.” I said, finally feeling better, and a bit dizzy.

            “Nayra, are you alright?” He said, helping me onto their bus.

            “I’m fine.” I said, trying to convince myself of it. “Just a bit… dizzy I guess.”

            “It sounded like you hit your head pretty hard. Let me see.” He said, pulling my head gently towards him, examining it. “Doll face, you have a big bump and a few scratches here.”

            “Hey, don’t call me doll face just yet. We still need to talk.” I said, waiting patiently for Brendon to be done examining me. He smiled.

            “Alright. You seemed to be fine. But you need to drink something I think… I don’t know. I’m not a doctor.” He said, showing what he has probably felt this entire fight.

            “Water sounds really good. Got any?” I said, hoping to keep this good mood that I was in, even though I had no clue how to proceed from here. He held up a hand, walked to his little fridge and came back with a bottle of water. “Thanks. Alright. We need to either get through this, or figure out something for the rest of the tour. Because honestly? I’m thinking about just walking away from this whole thing.”

            He turned my shoulders to face away from him, starting to look at the bump on my head. “I agree. Not with you leaving, but with getting through this. I still can’t believe that I did this to you.” Brendon replied, the truth ringing true in his tone. His fingers gently trailed up and down my scalp, sending me into such a tizzy that I completely forgot what was going on for a minute. I grabbed his hands, realizing they were steadily going slower. When I turned to look at him, he kissed my cheek and turned me around again.

            “I really don’t know… how…” I said, trailing off a bit, going into a sort of euphoria with his gentle touch on my head. I shut my eyes, trying to focus. “How I am going to trust you, but I’m willing to give it one more shot. Only because I know how you get when it comes to booze and women. It doesn’t excuse it, but I’m willing to consider this a… rather large bump in the road. Ow!” I yelped as he finally put pressure on the bump on my head.

            “Oh crap. Alright. Let me see…” He stood up to look for something. “if we have any ice.” He opened the little fridge at the other side of the bus. It wasn’t until then that I realized that we were the only ones… at least in the front of the bus. Did they already hate me for acting like this?? “Oh! Good, there’s an ice pack. I bet Ryan put it in here. Put this on your head and let’s see if your hands are still bleeding.” I looked down at my hand for the first time before he took one of them in his. They weren’t too bad, but they were covered in little traces of blood. He stood up to grab a small first aid kit sitting on top of the small fridge, and proceeded to take care of my scrapes. “ Nayra, I know that I could never apologize enough for what I’ve done, but I’m going to sure as hell try.”

(Nayra)

            When the one you love has betrayed you, how do you pick up the pieces? Do you ignore the obvious betrayal and act like the world is fine? Or do you let the grief consume you until the world holds no joy for you? This was the crossroad that I was standing at, as I stared blankly into the bathroom mirror of the rest stop. My eyes, bloodshot, looked as though they’d never seen light, whereas my face was still fire red with the fury I held inside. I’d been hurt before, but somehow this, this one felt like my entire life had come to a stop from the moment that I looked into his eyes. Part of me felt like I was dreaming it all, like I would just wake up and he would be next to me, smiling. Kissing my forehead. But deep down I knew the cold truth: he cheated. He slept with some girl because I wasn’t enough for him. I wasn’t worth waiting for. A small tear escaped my eyes before I even noticed it.

            “This is stupid.” I said aloud, before washing my face of the makeup remnants that clung to my eyelashes.  Composing myself, I walked out, trying to smile just that much more. It had been a few days since that fateful moment, and still it stung like it was a moment ago. I managed to fake something, enough for the rest of them to not see past it at least. Enough to get through one more day. I walked back on the bus, and almost instantly fell asleep.

            (Dream)

            “Nayra…” Brendon called from the far end of the meadow, which once seemed bright and full of life, but which was now full of dead grass and shriveled leaves.

            “No.” I repeated, over and over, trying to show that I was tougher than before.

            “Nayra….” He called again, coming closer. I finally walked closer, giving in to the pain in my chest that seemed to be his doing. But as I walked closer, he took one step back, making it impossible to get to him. I tried to run towards him, but somehow couldn’t go fast enough. The trees of the forest where he stood started to fly past me, but still I couldn’t catch him. In an instant, he vanished from my site, leaving nothing but a rustle of a branch or two behind him.

            “BRENDON!” I yelled, trying to find him, but never succeeding. I fell to the ground, the gray billowing dress skirt around me bubbling around me.

            “BRENDON!”

            I woke up in a panic, trying to figure out what just happened. I looked out the window to see that it was still dark. I grabbed my phone, checking the time. 3:00 a.m.

            “Urgh.” I said, throwing my head back down onto my pillow, but simply staring at the stars instead of drifting back to sleep.

            “Holy crap Nayra, are you alright?” Odessa said, finally coming over. She looked about as tired as I did, but also a bit more concerned than I did.

            “Fine. Just… a bad dream I guess.” I smiled at her as best I could in the moonlight.

            “Alright. Well, just go back to sleep, alright?” She said before stumbling back to her pallet.  I sighed, trying to go back to sleep, but only thinking of him for the first time in almost a week. I grabbed my phone again, the backlight hurting my eyes.

((guide to the texts : *-Nayra to Brendon, *-Nayra to Ryan, **Ryan, Brendon))

*’Hey’

‘Hey’

*’Look, I don’t know how to put this in any other way, but… I’m still really upset about what you did, but I can’t stop thinking about you.’

‘Nayra, you have to know that I’m really sorry about that.’

*’ I know. It just doesn’t change the fact that you did it. Why did you do it?’

‘I wasn’t thinking. I got really drunk and just… let myself go’

’Maybe we can work this out, but it’s not going to be easy.’

I re-read the text a couple of times, trying to figure out if I should give in or not.

*’I know. Let’s see what happens tomorrow.’

‘Alright. I love you.’

*’I love you too.’

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you think should happen?! What are your predictions?! Tell me in a comment!!

Because I am such a professional, I acted like nothing was wrong with me. In fact, I turned my anger at Brendon into pure energy, making it to the point where I was utterly tired at the end of the night. The only time I almost lost it was during Brendon and my duet. I kept from looking at him the entire time, making sure that when I did it was a disguised look of happiness. After all, how was I supposed to react, especially in the middle of the song? It seemed that I had fooled even him because he came up to me after the concert like nothing had happened.

“Hey Doll face.” He said, obviously trying to bait me with the one thing that could make my knees weak. I almost faltered, but remembered why I was so angry at him in the first place. I took the water bottle that I was drinking from and threw it in his face before walking to the dressing room to prepare for meeting fans.

News apparently travels quickly when it comes to tours, especially among fans. I had at least four girls looking at me like “oh my god, you poor thing!” and a few looking at me like “Damn, I wish I was the girl he cheated with.” It got to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore. I started signing faster, claiming I was feeling sick, and when I was mostly done, I walked to the bus, not even caring that everyone was staring at me. I grabbed the first pillow I could find, threw my face in it, and screamed as loud as I could. “How could he do this to me?! I was nothing but faithful to that slime ball! Adam warned me about guys like him, but did I listen? No. And now I am going to be on the cover of some sleazy magazine, apparently heartbroken by the fact that he went and screwed some other chick.” I tried to compose myself, but it was turning out to be in vain. I buried my face back into the pillow, this time crying uncontrollably. I didn’t even realize that there was someone at my side until they put their arm around me.

“You ok?” Odessa said, still flush from the concert.

“I’m fine.” I lied, wiping my face of the now black marks everywhere.

“Bulltiki. Ryan told me what happened. Do you want to talk about it? Or should I just go kick his ass?” She said, trying unsuccessfully to get me to smile.

“No. It’s fine. I’m just… in shock you know? Was I really that bad of a girlfriend?” I asked, watching Panic sign autographs. I could see from here that Brendon felt a bit like I did right now, but I wasn’t going to cave and just say everything’s going to be ok.

“No! Of course not!” She said, grabbing a tissue from a box nearby and wiping my tears (and now messed up makeup).  I tried to compose myself so that I could go back into the arena to help gather the equipment. I stood up, adjusting my shirt out of nervous habit, and walked out of the bus, faking a smile.

It seemed that no one else really noticed anything after that, which I was thankful for. I didn’t take acting classes for three years for it not to work. In fact, it worked so well that I almost forgot why I was upset in the first place, until I saw Brendon coming closer and closer to me. I took a deep breath while I picked up my guitar case.

“Here, I’ll get that.” Brendon said, obviously walking on eggshells.

“No, it’s fine. I’ve got it.” I replied, still not able to control the sharp icy tone in my voice.

“Nayra, don’t be like that.” He said, grabbing my arm and walking to a secluded corner.

            “I have to help load shit on the bus.” I said, not looking at him. I hadn’t looked at him truly since he came up to me before the show.

            “Please, hear me out. I know I messed up, but you have to forgive me.” He said, a true tone of plea in his voice. I kept my head down. “Nayra look at me.” He said, grabbing my face gently and making me look into his now hurtful eyes.

            “I-I can’t do this.” I said before briskly walking away from him. I tried to ignore him calling my name as I went to help some more.

I’d finally calmed down about an hour after the bus started going to one of the last places on the tour: Seattle. I had put my headphones in, not wanting to be disturbed by anyone, and listening to “If I were a boy”. Odessa came over a couple of times, to make sure I was still breathing I guess, then went back on the other side of the bus. It started raining that night, the first of a week’s worth. My usual happiness that came with such rain was nowhere near the betrayal that I felt in that moment. It wasn’t until we were almost to the rest stop that Adam came over with Ben.

“Alright. Seriously, you aren’t going to do anything drastic, are you?” Ben said, trying to make me laugh. I showed a weak smile.

“No. I promise not to jump off anything, unless it’s a bed.” I said, cracking my own little joke.

“You know, I could go kick his ass.” Adam said, puffing his chest out, as if it would make a difference. I laughed. The first time in almost 6 hours it felt like.

“That won’t be necessary. I already threw water on him.” I replied, feeling a little bit better, but guilty at the same time. I yawned, having gotten little to no sleep the night before.

“You look tired. We’ll leave you be, alright?” Adam said, ushering Ben with him to the “boy’s” side of the bus as I drift off to sleep, listening to yet another depressing song and hearing Odessa’s melodic voice talking to someone on the phone.

(Odessa’s Conversation)

            Odessa: How’s he doing?

            Ryan: Alright, I guess. He’s ready to punch something though. Never a good sign.

            Odessa: She’s been upset for the past hour or so. She just barely went to sleep. What the hell happened anyways?

            Ryan: Well, last night, after rehearsal, Brendon and I went for a drink at this local bar, just to relieve some stress. This girl kept hitting on him, and shot after shot he started talking to her. Next thing I know, they are off to some random location. I didn’t realize what he had done until it was too late. Mostly because I was pretty shit faced myself.

            Odessa: Oh my god. And now he feels guilty?

            Ryan: Yeah. Oh wait, here’s Brendon apparently.

            Brendon: Odessa?

            Odessa: Yes Brendon?

            Brendon: Can you get Nayra for me?

            Odessa: I don’t know about that Brendon. She’s still pretty upset.

            Brendon: Oh. Just… tell her I’m sorry.

            Odessa: She’s asleep Brendon. I’ll tell her in the morning.

            Brendon: Alright. Here’s Ryan.

            Ryan: Well we better let you go. You guys will need all the rest you can get. Night.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

More soon. Like I said, it's kinda coming to a close pretty soon.

        I could tell that things were going to be a bit different between Brendon and I, mainly because I knew he was going to be careful about what we did. Not that I didn’t think that it was very gentleman-like of him, but it seemed that he didn’t want to be in the same room for longer than a few minutes at a time. Maybe I was just being paranoid. Besides, he knew why I was doing it in the first place… right?

            “Brendon? You ok?” I asked after rehearsal one night. We were in Oklahoma City, having almost finished the entire tour.

            “Yeah, I’m fine babe.” He said distantly, not looking at me. “What the hell?!” I thought to myself.  He walked into the dressing room that said “Panic” on the door, not even acknowledging the fact that I had two red bulls in my hand.

 “Why can’t I put my finger on what it is? He never turns down a Redbull!” I thought again before walking towards an empty corner. I felt a sudden wave of emotion coming on, but because I was still trying to prove that I’m tough enough, I swallowed what I could down, but was unsuccessful in hiding a few tears. It had been a stressful few weeks since I had told Brendon about my decision. Had our relationship been based around sex this whole time? If it was, what were we still doing with each other? I was so busy drowning in my river of doubt to even notice Ryan coming up to me. It wasn’t until he touched my shoulder did I realize he was there. Sneaky bastard.

“Nayra? Are you alright?” He said, a look of concern playing on his face. Damn, I thought, I’ve been caught!

“Yeah. I’m fine. Just… stressed I guess.” I said, wiping the small amount of tears off my face. I looked down at the Red Bulls next to me, trying hard not to remember the thoughts that were now plaguing my mind.

“ Are you sure? It doesn’t look like stress to me. You fighting with Brendon?” He asked suddenly. I was caught so off guard that another wave came over me. God I’m such a sissy. “What happened? Not even two weeks ago you two were hot and heavy for each other.”

“Yeah I know. But I told him I didn’t want to… you know…” I said, dancing around the subject.

“Oh. Ok.” He said, suddenly getting a look on his face. “Hey, I better get in there… they might be planning war for all I know. Don’t worry about Brendon. He’ll come around.” Ryan said before walking towards the dressing room. I decided to suck it up and walk to Stand Tall’s dressing room, mostly to fix what little makeup I had on.

“Hey, who’s ass am I kicking?” Adam said, seeing the red in my eyes.

“No one’s. I’m fine.” I said, trying to make it seem like I was perfectly normal.

(Brendon’s Perspective)

            I couldn’t believe what I had done to her. I could already see the hurt in her eyes when I would try to not look in them. It had only been once, this terrible thing, but it was enough to make me feel like a total shmuck. I saw Ryan come through the door, with an almost equal look as Nayra.

“She knows something’s up.” Ryan said, sitting down next to me. I threw my head back before burying it in my hands.

“Does she know what exactly is up?” I asked.

“No, but you need to tell her. This is something that you can’t keep to yourself. Seriously man.” Ryan said before walking back out.

            I stared into the mirror in front of me, not seeing the confident man that I was last night at the bar, but seeing the horrible cheating boyfriend that Nayra would see when I told her the truth.

(Nayra’s Perspective)

When I came back out, Brendon was standing in front of the door, apparently waiting for me. He still wouldn’t meet my eyes.

“Hey babe. What’s up?” I asked, trying to play it cool, but it seemed like it didn’t work. I took matters in my own hands. I grabbed his face lightly and make him look at me. “ What’s wrong?” It was then, when he finally looked at me that I knew what was eating at him. I backed away slowly, shaking my head the entire time.

“Doll face, let me explain.” He said, pleading now.

“No no no no no DON’T call me Doll face. Not now. How-how could you Brendon?” I said, trying to breathe.

 OCTOBER

            “Hey Nayra! Come in here!” Brendon yelled from the  bedroom of the hotel.

            “What’s up?” I said, kissing his cheek and sitting next to him. He was sitting at the edge of the bed with his laptop on his lap.

            “I want you to listen to this. I don’t know if you actually heard it or not.” He said, smiling. He had opened up a Youtube page with a song by a band called “The Paul Revere Jumpsuit Apparatus”.

            “I’ve never heard this band before.” I said, laying my head down on his shoulder. He simply smiled at me. “What?”

            “You’ll see.” He said, then started the song.

Here I am,
composing a burlesque,
out of where they rest their heads,
sulking in their splintered cradles.
And ramshakled hands,
They asked for it,
As a boy,
I eat my wishes on golden tooth picks and digested them with wolf intestines,

I fell from the heavens,
As a fetish blessed with,
An operatic skeleton,
And as the stars watch me descend,
I cracked a family tree and,
Chopped off all of the branches

            “Wait, that’s sounds like… when did you do this?” I said, smiling and replaying the song, totally enamored with the lyrics.

            “Well, you remember when we did that mix tape for Fall Out?” He asked, clearly happy that I enjoyed his side project.

            “Yeah, I do.”

            “This was on it.”

            “Oh. Cool.” I said, trying to be sneaky and take the computer from him, which actually worked perfectly.

            “I’m glad you liked it.” He said, then trying to take the computer back as I started playing a Jonas Brothers song.

 “No!!” was all I could really say (or squeal rather) as he tackled me and tickled me in an attempt to get it back. It was then when he finally stopped because he was inches from my face that we kissed again, like that first amazing kiss. With his tongue exploring every inch of my mouth, I smiled and held onto his neck with both hands. Within that moment, I felt the same passion that had somewhat smoldered since we first got together on the bus. His hand slowly went down my back, pulling me closer to him as we never came up for air, before coming up front, trying to pull my pants off. “Wait, wait, stop.” I said, finally breaking free.

“What’s wrong?” He said, panting a bit.

“Well, It’s just-just-” He rolled over to be next to me instead of on top of me. I sat up on the edge of the bed. “I’m Abstinent.” I couldn’t look at him for a second, somehow feeling like this was the only reason for us being together. When I finally looked up, he had an understanding look on his face.

“Ok.” He said, before kissing my forehead, sitting up behind me, and holding me tight from behind.

“Ah come on! We only have about 5 minutes before rehearsal starts!” Odessa said as she stood in the doorway, laughing.

“No, no, no. It only takes him that long.” Ryan said as he came in, also laughing.

“Ha, ha. Very funny.” I said before kissing Brendon on the cheek before getting up and walking to the bathroom, starting to put my makeup on, going very pin up with my eyeliner and red lipstick. I came out, showing off my look.

“Well hello there doll face.” Brendon said, smiling. I tackled him, giggling. Somewhere in the middle of our interlude, my curled hair that was up and fallen over my shoulders.

“That’s not fair.” I said, fake pouting.

Upon entering the cartoon gates of Disneyland, any problems I was having a minute ago were destroyed in a massive fire. I instantly felt like a kid again, especially because I was listening to Disney songs while we entered. In fact, I was jumping up and down in my seat until they finally let me out of the van, until I remembered that I didn’t tell Brendon about what Odessa and I discussed only a few minutes ago. How was I going to tell him that this shouldn’t affect anything? So instead, I chose to keep that part to myself, in hopes that this was going to blow over and be fine in the end.

            “Hey there doll face.” Brendon said, walking towards me and making me giggle. At this point, he could have said SPORK and made me giggle.

            “Hi.” I said, trying to contain myself. Maybe this wasn’t going to be that bad. I’m just overreacting…

Right?

            “So what was going on when I texted you?” Brendon said, taking my hand as we all walked to the ticket center.

            There it was. The moment that I really didn’t want to happen. “ She’s just worried. But I think it’ll be fine.” I sighed, trying to make myself feel a little better. Now that I was with him, I started to feel the guilt that was spreading like wildfire inside me. My god, I was even ignoring my own flesh and blood over a boy. Dream boy or not, it’s always “bros before hoes”. Even though Brendon wasn’t a hoe.

            “Ok. Well I hope so.” He said before giving me a kiss on the cheek.

            “What was that for?” I asked, smiling.

            “Well, I just wanted to see you smile again. It’s been too long since you smiled.” He said as we walked in. I heard the distinct sound of a snort behind me. No doubt someone from my band. Ben maybe?

            “Brendon. It’s been 30 seconds.” I said, shaking my head. I looked around me, then pulled my camera out to start taking pictures of everyone. I started with Odessa, who playfully posed in front of the decorated grass. It was then that she stole the camera away and aimed it at me and Brendon.

            “Alright you two. Go pose for me.” She said, acting as though she’s been a photographer for years. Obliging, we stood in front of the grass, smiling. It wasn’t until Odessa starting Counting to three that Brendon swung me around into a dip, making me giggle as she took the photo. Once he put me right side up again, I made everyone stand with me, while one of the employees took a photo of us, being our crazy selves.

            “Alright, where to first?” Spencer asked, seeming about as eager as I was.

            “Well, how about…  Haunted Mansion?” Ben chimed in, finally started to open up to the group. So, walking towards the old fashion gates, with Brendon holding my hand, we walked into the coolest mansion on earth, and into the happiest part of my life.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey Guys! I thought I'd post what I had so far because I am going to fast forward it quite a bit. :) Look for that part soon!!!